Daily Aphorism: Roll a stone onto your voice, and you live in your grave. You have forever to say nothing.
Stupid aphorism – but meant to give me a kick in the ass.
No one likes a know-it-all, and they like critics even less. I happen to be both – I forever find myself rolling stones onto my voice, simply because I know how much of an arrogant prick I’ll seem if I say what’s on my mind.
You would think a blog and an opinionated prick would be a match made in heaven. Here it is, a platform I can use to spout whatever to whomever, and I find myself with a cramp in my trigger-finger.
The fact is, even after all these years and eight completed novels, I still feel foolish writing period. Insecurity complex? Not really. I truly feel like an idiot, and I truly feel like I have some kind of ‘special insight’ to offer. Call it cognitive bipolar disorder: the tendency to be utterly convinced one minute, and utterly unimpressed the next.
This is why I think a career in academia would have been disastrous for me. Pretty much every paper I worked on occasioned a crisis of confidence, the conviction of misplaced conviction. You need to sustain belief in your own bullshit for at least several months at a time to be a functional academic.
Apparently something similar is the case for bloggers. I think of at least two or three things I want to say here every day, but when it comes time to sit down and write, those things seem stupid, trite, or self-serving.
Doubt defines me. Always has. Small wonder I’m so intent on turning it into the virtue of virtues!