Four Revelations Redux

by rsbakker

Aphorism of the Day: Clog a sewer pipe and shit will become your priority. Civilization is infrastructure, the luxury of turning the human to-do list upside down.

I just thought I would post to let you know that I’ve posted the first substantial rewrite of “Four Revelations,” as well as to clear one raucous comment list to make room for another.

This second draft should give you all an idea of how I work: a first draft written in the heat of some idea, followed by a second that tries to expunge the tired language, tighten the details, sharpen the imagery, and to exploit the various dramatic, thematic, and stylistic opportunities that might have suggested themselves over the intervening days. So in this version, I worked on the parallels and contrasts between the timeframes, drawing out some of the ancient memories, snipping others. I made Conphas more flip to contrast his arrogance to that of Cu’jara Cinmoi. I also gave him a more salient role, with both a motive and a slight backstory. I strengthened and paced the network of repetitions. I also reworked the tenses throughout, giving the jumble of past and present tenses from before a definite structure.

It’s still missing something, though. I’m not happy with the development of the overarching concern, the notion of scale and proportion, the Nonman versus the human, the epic versus the mundane, the glorious versus the sordid.

Regarding the comments, have at ‘er. As frustrated as I sometimes get, the fact is I love families where everyone kicks one another’s shins under the table. And I love that Three Pound Brain is such a lively, opinionated place. Someone pass the cheese, please…